My newborn son, your life has just begun
I’m so happy I could cry I’m a father for the first time tonight
I’m gonna to raise you right I’m gonna to show you all the finest things in life
There’s so much for you to see You get to do it all with me, my little guy
I’ll show you how to place a bet on a winning horse
And why a cigarette should be smoked indoors
I’ll teach you how to dunk with a trampoline
I’ll show you how to text and drive with your knees
Hey kid, you’re in luck Your daddy’s smart as fuck
I’ll give you everything you need ...To be a perfect man like me
I’ll teach you how to invest Take a dollar a day and put it under your bed
At the end of the year, you’ll have $365 That you can spend on a bass guitar
And when it comes to chicks I’ll show you all my favorite go-to tricks
Tell them you have a tiny dick Then they’ll want to see your dick
And your dick will seem huge compared to what they expected because of what you told them
.....................
You have so much shit to learn, my beautiful boy
Like how to shoot a van with a paintball gun
And how to drink mouthwash until you’re drunk
I’ll show you how to jump off a moving train
I’ll teach you how to secretly finger your own asshole at a steakhouse
Hey kid, you lucked out I’m the best around
I’ll give you everything you need ...To be a perfect man like me
